Slow Going

I shouldn't have expected a miraculous complete turn around in my life. A complete 180, from one kind of life, to a new kind of life. That's what I thought I would get, but somehow, I haven't. Shocker.

I'm still struggling with that one problem of mine. Once a week, usually on Saturday night. I've a craving for it that is despicable, and more than anything, I need prayer. I need prayer more than I need to breathe at this point I think, because it happens even before I think to pray and by that time I am lost...and can't pull myself back. I make up excuses like - oh one more time won't hurt. I've already lost this particular battle, so I might as well lose extravagantly. I've got to get control of this, but I can feel it even now, tugging at the back of my mind, and I know I'll do it again. How come I can't just...win this? I've been fighting this battle since the 8th grade! Will it take another year of my life to get under control?? I don't want to waste any more of my time with it...But I still struggle to make my decision a permanent one.

On a different note, I've been doing a little better in other areas of my life. I've tried to have some kind of prayer / Bible study time during my day, usually in the mornings, and that has been moderately successful. At least I start my day feeling a little more in tune with God and myself anyway.

Its the sixth week I think, of the 1st six weeks. I had the first four under control, the fifth spiraled away from me, and now I'm getting it back on track. Goodness gracious this has been tough. (That's another thing I've been trying to work on - language)

Anyway, keep me in your prayers. I'm trying, really I am. Well...yeah. I'm trying.

Is it bad if there is an unspoken "but" at the end of that sentence back there?

:-(

The line on the path in the woods...

So in the last few weeks, I've screwed up. Not in life threatening ways, not in the matters of life and death...but I've given in to things that I've been fighting my entire life. Why? Because I feel like I have not the strength to fight them anymore. For some reason, it has mattered less that I overcome them completely, as long as I continue to handle them in moderation. One month ago, I had my life in the palm of my hand, with every bit of it in control. From school to weight to excersize to friends, to boys to family to college, all of it. It was all going perfectly.

Now...bits and pieces are getting out of control. My grades, while stationary, have been slipping from my mind like bits of eel of my metaphysical plate of things to do. My weight is rising again as I stress out and continually shove peanut butter cookies down my throat. My friends I match in interest, in language, and sometimes in action and not the best of any of those either. I'm meaner, more jealous, more critical, more independent. I'm hiding things from my family, my world at 2 AM consists of myself and my computer, chatting away to voices that live only in my own mind. I don't understand where the foothold in my life was given away to Satan - and he's the only thing I could possibly see standing in my way with such...firm audacity.

But the problem is that he's succeeding. I fall asleep during my Bible studies (when I have them, which isn't often) because I haven't slept the night before, my prayers are light and half-hearted, and usually are so quick that I never stop to listen either. My dear friend says that my quiet times may help to fix it, and I can only hope I find a time, or rather, MAKE a time that I can keep up with. I want to try, I want to see my life go back under control, and move forward again.

I feel like such a hypocritical two faced child. I talk about being Godly, and doing things for the right reasons, serving others, teaching children about God and his merciful ways. I know them to be true and yet...I suffer and I fall again and again at the feet of Satan, stumbling and crying out in pure desperation. This is when though, when I should be reaching out for the hand of my God that I know is waiting....that I keep attempting to rely on my own strength to pull me out of the miry clay. For the record...it doesn't work. I stagger to my feet, waving around my wavering faith candle, only to stumble over another rock, another stone, another fissure in the mud that drags me down, seeking to suffocate me. I'm losing this battle. I never lost the war, and I never will....but I want my life to matter, I want my battle to matter. I want to win my battle for my God and encourage others to do the same.

So what...what do I do now? My worst problem is that I can identify my problems. I can tell you exactly what they are, what psychological effects they have on me and others...but I couldn't tell you how to fix them. I can tell you what your problems are, why you think the way you do, why your choices end up the way the do. I can even give you a reasonable solution. But for me? I stand alone, with the wind ripping and tearing through my hair, crippling my self -esteem, watching my willpower crumble in the face of oblivion.

And some people will tell you I am not depressed.

I am depressed, but I refuse to sit back and watch this happen. I want to keep fighting, I just don't know how. I feel lost again, like I did this summer. I found the force that kept me going, and now...it is gone again, and I don't know where it went or how to get it back.

But then again, maybe it never left. Maybe I just strayed from the line that held me firm to the straight and true path. The question is....is the bare thread whispering against my fingertips enough to help me find my way home?

By Chance

So, I've come to the terms that I could never handle a real relationship with Edwardo. And nor could he. But thats okay.

I have been wondering though...every chance meeting with any one has to mean something, right? Every smile, every accidental bump of the shoulder, when you turn and look to smile an apology. It all has to have a meaning, a point in the grand scheme of things. Its God's plan, but wouldn't it be nice sometimes, just to know how it all works together in the end?

I'm feeling rather mellow today. A mellow yellow. I need a new pair of yellow earrings, that don't match anything but my pajamas.

...There is someone out there I may have met, and I wonder if I'll ever meet, but I've spoken to you and I wonder still. I'm waiting. You are waiting. I think we're meant to be, just not for a while yet.

Isn't that the question of soul mates?

A week later..

You can't really call the mess with Edwardo earlier this week a date. Last Thursday in fact. We went to Chick-Fil-A. Plug. Yum!

He just asked me if I wanted to go before auditions. Of course I said yes. He was grumpy about gas, so I drove. We listened to music, and laughed. Laughed. Laughed. Yes, it was worth repeating three times. We laughed incredible hard and I nearly cried and couldn't see straight. So we got to Chick-Fil-A, and got our food (we both paid seperately). He gave me goofy compliments, (very, edwardo-ish ones) and made at least three references to it being a date - at least one followed with "we have to make-out after this, you know that right?" Which you know, I laughed off and said - if you are lucky.

So anyway, he gets a call from the school and we have to hurry back for some early auditioners. Easy stuff. We get back in the car and he pulls out my ipod and starts looking for something to listen to on the drive back. He makes the comment that he can't find anything he likes, like he was looking for something. Finally he plugs it in, and says, "This song I dedicate to you, and me."
Guess what song it was. "Picture" by Kid Rock feat Sheryl Crowe. What on earth does one say to that? I didn't know what to say basically, so I think by the end of the song (after an entirely silent ride because we were both listening intently to the music) I said, "You are sweet." And he was like "what?" and I was like "Yes. Sweet."

And then another awkward silence, and we got to the school.

Everyone thinks it was a fluke, and I think it was too. But I'm managing. I still think about him a lot though. I can't help it. Last night I had a dream though, and I think we were both looking for each othre and then we found each other (it was one of those adventure type dreams) and he picked me up and spun me around in the air and then we kissed.

But then, I kissed another guy a mere few seconds later, and when I walked away...it wasn't from Edwardo's kiss that my lips were tingling - but from the other man's kiss. But I can't remember who he was, only that he made me happier than I ever could remember, and with butterflies in my stomach I couldn't help but giggle.

So what does that mean? That he will make me temporarily happy, but be replaced by someone much better for me? I just don't understand. I wish I did! I'm waiting for the dream to be continued.

On a different note, there was also this crazy witch creature with a child's face that kept attacking me. At one point I had it backwards across my back and I held its claws on both sides of me so that they wouldn't get me, then I hear a cackle and feel a sharp stabbing pain. With its tail, it has grabbed an axe and stabbed me in the back....Oh gosh, actually seeing that in print actually makes it much more fearsome. I'm considering making it an evil creature in the Karn Chronicles. (My book, for my faithful, but unfamilair readers) I just can't help to wonder what it means, or what in fact it has to do with anything. Oh yes, and from a pouch it threw multi-colored balls of fire, only whenever I reached in, I could use them as well. What about that?

No telling.

Either way, I'm going shopping with a few friends tomorrow (and NOT buying anything, cause I have no money! Bwahaha!)

Anyway, I suppose I'm done.

Goodnight!