The line on the path in the woods...

So in the last few weeks, I've screwed up. Not in life threatening ways, not in the matters of life and death...but I've given in to things that I've been fighting my entire life. Why? Because I feel like I have not the strength to fight them anymore. For some reason, it has mattered less that I overcome them completely, as long as I continue to handle them in moderation. One month ago, I had my life in the palm of my hand, with every bit of it in control. From school to weight to excersize to friends, to boys to family to college, all of it. It was all going perfectly.

Now...bits and pieces are getting out of control. My grades, while stationary, have been slipping from my mind like bits of eel of my metaphysical plate of things to do. My weight is rising again as I stress out and continually shove peanut butter cookies down my throat. My friends I match in interest, in language, and sometimes in action and not the best of any of those either. I'm meaner, more jealous, more critical, more independent. I'm hiding things from my family, my world at 2 AM consists of myself and my computer, chatting away to voices that live only in my own mind. I don't understand where the foothold in my life was given away to Satan - and he's the only thing I could possibly see standing in my way with such...firm audacity.

But the problem is that he's succeeding. I fall asleep during my Bible studies (when I have them, which isn't often) because I haven't slept the night before, my prayers are light and half-hearted, and usually are so quick that I never stop to listen either. My dear friend says that my quiet times may help to fix it, and I can only hope I find a time, or rather, MAKE a time that I can keep up with. I want to try, I want to see my life go back under control, and move forward again.

I feel like such a hypocritical two faced child. I talk about being Godly, and doing things for the right reasons, serving others, teaching children about God and his merciful ways. I know them to be true and yet...I suffer and I fall again and again at the feet of Satan, stumbling and crying out in pure desperation. This is when though, when I should be reaching out for the hand of my God that I know is waiting....that I keep attempting to rely on my own strength to pull me out of the miry clay. For the record...it doesn't work. I stagger to my feet, waving around my wavering faith candle, only to stumble over another rock, another stone, another fissure in the mud that drags me down, seeking to suffocate me. I'm losing this battle. I never lost the war, and I never will....but I want my life to matter, I want my battle to matter. I want to win my battle for my God and encourage others to do the same.

So what...what do I do now? My worst problem is that I can identify my problems. I can tell you exactly what they are, what psychological effects they have on me and others...but I couldn't tell you how to fix them. I can tell you what your problems are, why you think the way you do, why your choices end up the way the do. I can even give you a reasonable solution. But for me? I stand alone, with the wind ripping and tearing through my hair, crippling my self -esteem, watching my willpower crumble in the face of oblivion.

And some people will tell you I am not depressed.

I am depressed, but I refuse to sit back and watch this happen. I want to keep fighting, I just don't know how. I feel lost again, like I did this summer. I found the force that kept me going, and now...it is gone again, and I don't know where it went or how to get it back.

But then again, maybe it never left. Maybe I just strayed from the line that held me firm to the straight and true path. The question is....is the bare thread whispering against my fingertips enough to help me find my way home?