pledge

This is my pledge. 400 words a day on my current WIP.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Day One - Complete.

Slow Going

I shouldn't have expected a miraculous complete turn around in my life. A complete 180, from one kind of life, to a new kind of life. That's what I thought I would get, but somehow, I haven't. Shocker.

I'm still struggling with that one problem of mine. Once a week, usually on Saturday night. I've a craving for it that is despicable, and more than anything, I need prayer. I need prayer more than I need to breathe at this point I think, because it happens even before I think to pray and by that time I am lost...and can't pull myself back. I make up excuses like - oh one more time won't hurt. I've already lost this particular battle, so I might as well lose extravagantly. I've got to get control of this, but I can feel it even now, tugging at the back of my mind, and I know I'll do it again. How come I can't just...win this? I've been fighting this battle since the 8th grade! Will it take another year of my life to get under control?? I don't want to waste any more of my time with it...But I still struggle to make my decision a permanent one.

On a different note, I've been doing a little better in other areas of my life. I've tried to have some kind of prayer / Bible study time during my day, usually in the mornings, and that has been moderately successful. At least I start my day feeling a little more in tune with God and myself anyway.

Its the sixth week I think, of the 1st six weeks. I had the first four under control, the fifth spiraled away from me, and now I'm getting it back on track. Goodness gracious this has been tough. (That's another thing I've been trying to work on - language)

Anyway, keep me in your prayers. I'm trying, really I am. Well...yeah. I'm trying.

Is it bad if there is an unspoken "but" at the end of that sentence back there?

:-(

The line on the path in the woods...

So in the last few weeks, I've screwed up. Not in life threatening ways, not in the matters of life and death...but I've given in to things that I've been fighting my entire life. Why? Because I feel like I have not the strength to fight them anymore. For some reason, it has mattered less that I overcome them completely, as long as I continue to handle them in moderation. One month ago, I had my life in the palm of my hand, with every bit of it in control. From school to weight to excersize to friends, to boys to family to college, all of it. It was all going perfectly.

Now...bits and pieces are getting out of control. My grades, while stationary, have been slipping from my mind like bits of eel of my metaphysical plate of things to do. My weight is rising again as I stress out and continually shove peanut butter cookies down my throat. My friends I match in interest, in language, and sometimes in action and not the best of any of those either. I'm meaner, more jealous, more critical, more independent. I'm hiding things from my family, my world at 2 AM consists of myself and my computer, chatting away to voices that live only in my own mind. I don't understand where the foothold in my life was given away to Satan - and he's the only thing I could possibly see standing in my way with such...firm audacity.

But the problem is that he's succeeding. I fall asleep during my Bible studies (when I have them, which isn't often) because I haven't slept the night before, my prayers are light and half-hearted, and usually are so quick that I never stop to listen either. My dear friend says that my quiet times may help to fix it, and I can only hope I find a time, or rather, MAKE a time that I can keep up with. I want to try, I want to see my life go back under control, and move forward again.

I feel like such a hypocritical two faced child. I talk about being Godly, and doing things for the right reasons, serving others, teaching children about God and his merciful ways. I know them to be true and yet...I suffer and I fall again and again at the feet of Satan, stumbling and crying out in pure desperation. This is when though, when I should be reaching out for the hand of my God that I know is waiting....that I keep attempting to rely on my own strength to pull me out of the miry clay. For the record...it doesn't work. I stagger to my feet, waving around my wavering faith candle, only to stumble over another rock, another stone, another fissure in the mud that drags me down, seeking to suffocate me. I'm losing this battle. I never lost the war, and I never will....but I want my life to matter, I want my battle to matter. I want to win my battle for my God and encourage others to do the same.

So what...what do I do now? My worst problem is that I can identify my problems. I can tell you exactly what they are, what psychological effects they have on me and others...but I couldn't tell you how to fix them. I can tell you what your problems are, why you think the way you do, why your choices end up the way the do. I can even give you a reasonable solution. But for me? I stand alone, with the wind ripping and tearing through my hair, crippling my self -esteem, watching my willpower crumble in the face of oblivion.

And some people will tell you I am not depressed.

I am depressed, but I refuse to sit back and watch this happen. I want to keep fighting, I just don't know how. I feel lost again, like I did this summer. I found the force that kept me going, and now...it is gone again, and I don't know where it went or how to get it back.

But then again, maybe it never left. Maybe I just strayed from the line that held me firm to the straight and true path. The question is....is the bare thread whispering against my fingertips enough to help me find my way home?

By Chance

So, I've come to the terms that I could never handle a real relationship with Edwardo. And nor could he. But thats okay.

I have been wondering though...every chance meeting with any one has to mean something, right? Every smile, every accidental bump of the shoulder, when you turn and look to smile an apology. It all has to have a meaning, a point in the grand scheme of things. Its God's plan, but wouldn't it be nice sometimes, just to know how it all works together in the end?

I'm feeling rather mellow today. A mellow yellow. I need a new pair of yellow earrings, that don't match anything but my pajamas.

...There is someone out there I may have met, and I wonder if I'll ever meet, but I've spoken to you and I wonder still. I'm waiting. You are waiting. I think we're meant to be, just not for a while yet.

Isn't that the question of soul mates?

A week later..

You can't really call the mess with Edwardo earlier this week a date. Last Thursday in fact. We went to Chick-Fil-A. Plug. Yum!

He just asked me if I wanted to go before auditions. Of course I said yes. He was grumpy about gas, so I drove. We listened to music, and laughed. Laughed. Laughed. Yes, it was worth repeating three times. We laughed incredible hard and I nearly cried and couldn't see straight. So we got to Chick-Fil-A, and got our food (we both paid seperately). He gave me goofy compliments, (very, edwardo-ish ones) and made at least three references to it being a date - at least one followed with "we have to make-out after this, you know that right?" Which you know, I laughed off and said - if you are lucky.

So anyway, he gets a call from the school and we have to hurry back for some early auditioners. Easy stuff. We get back in the car and he pulls out my ipod and starts looking for something to listen to on the drive back. He makes the comment that he can't find anything he likes, like he was looking for something. Finally he plugs it in, and says, "This song I dedicate to you, and me."
Guess what song it was. "Picture" by Kid Rock feat Sheryl Crowe. What on earth does one say to that? I didn't know what to say basically, so I think by the end of the song (after an entirely silent ride because we were both listening intently to the music) I said, "You are sweet." And he was like "what?" and I was like "Yes. Sweet."

And then another awkward silence, and we got to the school.

Everyone thinks it was a fluke, and I think it was too. But I'm managing. I still think about him a lot though. I can't help it. Last night I had a dream though, and I think we were both looking for each othre and then we found each other (it was one of those adventure type dreams) and he picked me up and spun me around in the air and then we kissed.

But then, I kissed another guy a mere few seconds later, and when I walked away...it wasn't from Edwardo's kiss that my lips were tingling - but from the other man's kiss. But I can't remember who he was, only that he made me happier than I ever could remember, and with butterflies in my stomach I couldn't help but giggle.

So what does that mean? That he will make me temporarily happy, but be replaced by someone much better for me? I just don't understand. I wish I did! I'm waiting for the dream to be continued.

On a different note, there was also this crazy witch creature with a child's face that kept attacking me. At one point I had it backwards across my back and I held its claws on both sides of me so that they wouldn't get me, then I hear a cackle and feel a sharp stabbing pain. With its tail, it has grabbed an axe and stabbed me in the back....Oh gosh, actually seeing that in print actually makes it much more fearsome. I'm considering making it an evil creature in the Karn Chronicles. (My book, for my faithful, but unfamilair readers) I just can't help to wonder what it means, or what in fact it has to do with anything. Oh yes, and from a pouch it threw multi-colored balls of fire, only whenever I reached in, I could use them as well. What about that?

No telling.

Either way, I'm going shopping with a few friends tomorrow (and NOT buying anything, cause I have no money! Bwahaha!)

Anyway, I suppose I'm done.

Goodnight!

Not my Day

Today....has not been my day.

It hasn't been particularly bad. Edwardo said we should go out and get starbucks together during early release next week. I went bowling - and didn't lose. I played Skip-bo. I made plans for tomorrow.

But...my usual luck has just not been on my side today.

Reason 1 - I recieved an ugly Coach purse from my step-mother. I decide to take it back, and perhaps get a new wallet instead.

From the hoighty toighty and disdainful woman at the counter, I learn that not only do I have an ugly Coach purse, I have a FAKE ugly Coach purse.



Reason 2 - I have rediscovered these wonderful little delicacies called Oatmeal Creme Pies - but more importantly, the kind that taste good, but only have 100 calories!

I reach in to snack on one and make myself feel better after the purse incident...and pull out one of the plastic packages. To find it empty. Sealed, but empty as my wallet.



Reason 3 - My sister goes to visit the restroom. The little darling comes out yelling, "Somebody didn't flush!!!" I check. I flush. Nothing. Yanking the plunger from next to the bathtub, I thrust it inward expectantly.

*insert explosion of CRAP*



Its not like it was a particularly BAD day.

Just...a bad mojo/karma day. Or at least I would say if I believed in all of that.

I simply cannot WAIT to see what is going to happen at work tonight.

Finished.

I don't think I'm going to ever get married. I'd like to, of course. But I don't think I will. Why? Simply because I don't like trusting someone so deeply, so completely...and with something so vulnerable as your heart, your very soul. I can't bring myself to do that.

I'm like the dumb girl in the romance novel, the one who has this gorgeous, wonderful Prince Charming at her fingertips, running after her with a bouquet of roses, but she turns and gets on the plane anyway, leaving him "forever".

Only, in my story...she does leave forever.

And goes on with her life, doing the things she feels God has called her to, living life to the fullest, and loving the people that go in and out of her life, trusting her friends with the little things, but no one with everything. Its dangerous, she thinks. And it is.

I have a problem with crushes. You know, those little flutters where you think you like a boy, you like being with him, thinking about him, the way he makes you smile and "accidently" touches your arm.

I get them occasionally.

But by the end...I talk myself out of them. Nothing is worth getting my heart broken for. If I don't have a date to the dances I enjoy so much because of it, so what? If I go to prom with...me, myself and I, so what? Dating is overrated. Loving someone is beautiful, but I'll stick with a maternal, or sisterly kind of love.

The second I think I have a crush - I do my best and obsess over finding out whether it will work or not. I refuse to waste any of my time just, mooning over this boy. Eventually, when I've flirted or spied my fill, I move on. I feel a great sense of relief that it is over, this horrible, horrible thing called a "crush". Why is it called a "crush" ? Because it "crushes" you.

Basically.

I'm not pessimistic, just realistic.

I'm done with Edwardo, because he doesn't like me. Period. End of Story. The End.

Fabulous?

She wants FABULOUS
She needs a little Fabulous
Is that so wrong?

I want FABULOUSSSSSS!

Yeah Anyways. I like that song!

I think I definitely overdid it yesterday with the whole, double phone call thing. I feel like he's been completely ignoring me, but again, I have another feeling that tells me I'm overthinking it. Again. Miserable isn't it?

Workshop tomorrow, so I think I'm going to bed. I need sleep to deal with all of those little sophomores. I'm SOOO excited.

Not.

Night guys

Jay

Horoscope?

I usually don't give these things any credit what so ever. None at all. But....alright, so I do check them occasionally just for the heck of it, to see what those crazy astrologers can come up with next, just for thrills.

This was my weekly horoscope.

"Venus, the planet of love and abundance, continues her retrograde path through your first house. For two years you've been refined by Saturn and you can clearly see the very bright light at the end of the tunnel. This week, the Sun, Mercury, Venus and Saturn cluster in opposition of Neptune in revolutionary Aquarius. Your seventh house of relationships is illuminated with truth and love. Big dreams lead to magnificent realities!"

Two years ago, this week, I broke up with my last boyfriend.

And Edwardo has been the most important crush I've had for a while. Not that I really think that any of this is true....but it certainly bodes well doesn't it? ^_^ Definitely gave me chills and really scared me when I realised that. Especially the whole "two years" thing. Just WAY too weird for me.

Who knows what the rest of the week holds?

Jay

Attention world!

I am wearing my green earrings.

Or rather, I wish I was. At the moment, they are sitting in a beautiful, slender pile of other silver and gold earrings, perched directly on top and waiting to be picked up and worn. I doubt they will.

See, my green earrings ....they are my current crush. I'm not going to tell you his name, so we are going to call him...Edwardo. Edwardo is wonderful, funny, sweet and gorgeous. That is a lot of positive things to say about one boy. I wish that I could pick him up, and then put him on just like I could my green earrings. Then he would be mine, for as long as I wanted him. Sure its selfish, but really, that is the only way to avoid getting hurt. Because then, when I want him he is mine, and I never have to put up with the pain of him not wanting me.

So they are sitting on my dresser right now, calling my name. They tell me to pick up the phone and call this wonderful, funny, sweet and gorgeous guy named Edwardo and convince him that I am the one he wants, simply because I have a pair of green earrings. Unfortunately for me, I've attempted to wear these green earrings twice today.

Both times they have twisted and sprung out unpleasantly from my ear. Perhaps unpleasantly is a little too nice a word. More like yanked themselves out with horrid pain and violent disgust and then thrown themselves across the room. Or at least thats what it felt like. I wanted to practically curl myself up in a ball and cry. Simply mortifying to have a pair of earrings refuse me.

It started with last night. A very dear friend spent an hour on IM with me convincing me that asking Edwardo out for a Coke was a simply FANTASTIC idea. Easily done. We were meant for each other, it was sure to work out. Just to talk about anything, and then tell him how I feel. I was terrified, to put it quite frankly. To tell a guy how I felt, just like that, straightforward, no dancing around, just...facts?

Probably the easiest way to talk to a boy. You know, with facts and no drama?

But there is absolutely no way I could manage it without being stupid.

So I managed it...and looked absolutely completely stupid.

Here is the story.

Target. Me. Leggings and two bras and a preschool nap mat. And a phone. And a missed lunch date.

So me and my brillant cell and I decide to call up Edwardo, using the fact that I had passed his male bikini as an excuse. Then stumbling and not making any sense, here is the conversation -

"Hey, whats up?"

"Not much, whats up with you?"

"Just at target, running an errand for my mom. I have to pick up a napmat."

"Cool."

"So hey, if you aren't doing anything, my lunch date cancelled, and well, we had a good time the other day, and if you wanted to, you know, get to gether and have a coke or something cause I'm way bored, we could-" - STUTTER STUTTER STUTTER

"I'm in Dallas with my mom." - BEAT.

"Oh, well, okay, bye." - INSERT EAGERNESS TO HANG UP AND AVOID AWKWARD REJECTION TALK

"Uh...o...kay?" - INSERT OBVIOUS WEIRDED OUTNESS.

"What?" - INSERT DESPERATION AND REALIZATION OF MY STUPIDITY

"Right. well, whatever, I'll talk to you later." - AWKWARD

"Kay, bye." - THANK GOD!

Mix into all of this that I have been walking in very fast circles around the maternity isles of Target, and you have a very bad, very awkward, and utterly mortified me.

But apparently I am a glutton for punishment.

-Six hours later-

"Hey pookie bear, want to go to the movies?" - another male friend.

"Sure, what are you going to see?" - me.

"The Innnnvvaaassiooon...."

"Uh....I'll let you know later.

-twenty minutes and a pep talk later from another friend -

"Hey (Edwardo)? I know you are in Dallas and everything, but some friends asked if I wanted to see a movie tonight but they are seeing a scary one and I really don't like seeing those by myself..."

"What scary movie? The Invasion?"

-Jaw drop-

"Yea!"

"Yea I know, I'm seeing it right now."

"Oh."

"I'm going into the movies now, so I'll talk to you later okay?"

"Right."

-click.-

Two strikes, and I think I'm already out.

Yeah. I'm a glutton for punishment, and I'm trying too hard. But I can't help it. I'm not the kind of girl to sit around and crush on a guy for years. I want to know if he is interested. Right now. If he's not, cool. I'll get over him. But heaven forbid I sit around moping at my house wishing and praying he liked me, looking at the pictures of us together and wishing that they meant more than just a curtain call and some stage make-up.

That's what I've been doing.

And its got to stop. Please?

So I'm done I've decided. If he likes me, its his turn now. If he doesnt...well, at least I've saved myself to mortification of ever telling him face to face. And then a few weeks from now, I'll find another pair of earrings, and try them on.

Jay